Burnt Toast

I figured that New Years Eve would be the perfect time to start writing this, for a multitude of reasons, the formost of which being that I’ve decided that things need to change, and what better night to start fresh than the first day of the new year?

First, some background for those of you who don’t know:  I am a twenty year old male student, currently focusing on photography.  I love to cycle, listen to music, find new photos waiting to be taken, and being alive in general.  I am an atheist, not financially stable in the least, and a little lost at the moment.

The last eight months or so, my life underwent some pretty radical changes, essentially turning itself upside down.  I ended a three and a half year relationship, moved out on my own, and changed my direction of academic study.  I view these as changes for the better, but I can’t help but feel a twinge of sadness about some of them from time to time.

I went to school for physics, with plans to go to grad school and become an engineer.  That dream died fast after a horrid first year at college dashed my GPA against the rocks.  I then decided to change my course of study to Biology, a subject I’ve enjoyed since i was a child.  Needless to say, that didnt work out either, so I decided to throw caution to the wind, and persue my love of art.  I decided that I didn’t want to be a starving artist however, and have plans to start a medical tech program in the fall.

Amidst all of these changes, I encountered a period of limbo, which I have been trapped in for several months now.  By this I mean: I can’t seem to find any work, I’m living loan to loan, I don’t have the money to pursue photography past what I do for class, I can’t cycle due to weather, and now that the term has ended, I’ve spent a good month with nothing to do.  Now that all of my friends are back home for the holidays, I’ve really realized how empty my life is.

That’s going to change.  I find myself at the receiving end of another loan, and this one should cover my rent for the rest of my lease, with enough left over to buy myself a new camera, and supplies with which I can start to really pursue the path I want to follow with photography.  I am about to start my training for the next cycling season, and the marathon this summer.  This should keep my a good deal more busy than I have been the past few months, at least until the fall, when I can start my new program in Invasive Cardiovascular Imaging.

Not all the changes are things I’m happy about however.  After a potentially life threatening situation this Halloween involving an drunk, a gun, and an attempted robbery I have decided to keep myself armed.  When  that gun got pulled out, it brought back some painful memories from when I was younger.  Long story short, when I was eleven, I saw a man shot to death not a block from my house, right in front of me.  This sent me into a deep depression that took years to recover from, and only with the help of a good friend to talk to who had experienced something similar.  I never told my parents what had happened, and prior to now, only about 10 or 12 people knew.  When that gun got pulled out on Halloween with my girlfriend in the car with me, I relived everything.  I decided then and there that I would never be a helpless victim.  The fact that I have come to this conclusion scares me a bit, because I am a trained martial artist, and my first instinct when something like that happens is to defend myself, violently if need be.  The gun on Halloween turned out to be a prop, wielded by a drunk idiot who was mad at me.  What would have happened if I had been armed then?  It’s a tough position to be in, but I stand firm by my decision.

So for better or for worse, I’m making some changes today.  Ive been stuck in this limbo for far too long, and that needs to end.  You only get one life to live, a lesson driven home yesterday with the death of an old teacher.  It’s time for me to stop wandering aimlessly and start living it.